The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.