The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.