The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.