The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Modesty is my best quality.