I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.