I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.