Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.