Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.