I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.