I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.