When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere