When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Modesty is my best quality.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.