My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!