A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Modesty is my best quality.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

Gags die, humor doesn't.