In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.

In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.

Comedy and tragedy are two sides of the same coin. A talent in one area might also lead to a predisposition in the other.

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

I have had issues with depression all my life, and it's probably true to say there was a tendency towards it even when I was very young, during my schooldays. There was often - and this is quite common with comics - a sense of not feeling as if I belonged anywhere.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.