I have had issues with depression all my life, and it's probably true to say there was a tendency towards it even when I was very young, during my schooldays. There was often - and this is quite common with comics - a sense of not feeling as if I belonged anywhere.

And people are intrigued if I really am as grumpy in real life. People feel a bit let down if I'm laughing or smiling.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.

I was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second.

I tend not to trust people who live in very tidy houses. I know that on the surface there is nothing wrong with a person being well-ordered and disciplined. Nothing, except that it leaves the impression of that person having lived in the confines of a stark institution which, although he or she has long since left, remains within.