I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!

Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.