While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.