It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.