Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try to help the underdog. They think, "Why should I be rich when so many suffer?" They feel better once they run to the party that claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.