They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.

I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.