Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.