Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!