Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.

Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.