Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.