My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.