Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!