All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.