All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.