I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!