Your Englishman, confronted by something abnormal will always pretend that it isn't there. If, however, you force him to look into it, he'll at once pretend that he sees the object not for what it is but for something that he would like it to be.

A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn't feel like it. An amateur is a man who can't do his job when he does feel like it.

Long experience has taught me that in England nobody goes to the theatre unless he or she has bronchitis.

I don't know very much but what I do know I know better than anybody, and I don't want to argue about it…My mind is not a bed to be made and re-made.

New Year's resolution: To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging.

Don't pity me now, don't pity me never; I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.