I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights