My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.