I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.