I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.