You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.