I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.