People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade.

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much