A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

It has been explained to me that toys are packaged in shards, to be assembled by the middle-aged and butter-fingered, because this makes it easier for the shippers. ... If they had to spend hours and hours putting handlebars onto bicycles ... they would repent their ways and deliver something that looked like a rocking horse and not like the result of a small street accident.

When the grandmothers of today hear the word 'Chippendales,' they don't necessarily think of chairs.

People only call you 'my dear' when they are irritated with you.

I don't want to see the uncut version of anything.

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?