The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

I think if you can write a play, or produce a play, the first step toward success [is] if people don't want to kill themselves in the lobby. Now there must be four or five other steps, but that's the first.

... it's impossible to register any emotion without using some muscle which, in time, will produce a wrinkle. ... By the time she is thirty, a starlet has been carefully taught to smile like a dead halibut. The eyes widen, the mouth drops open, but the eye muscles are never involved.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.