The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

It has been explained to me that toys are packaged in shards, to be assembled by the middle-aged and butter-fingered, because this makes it easier for the shippers. ... If they had to spend hours and hours putting handlebars onto bicycles ... they would repent their ways and deliver something that looked like a rocking horse and not like the result of a small street accident.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation.

I was always the last woman on the last down elevator as the store was closing.

When the grandmothers of today hear the word 'Chippendales,' they don't necessarily think of chairs.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Some enterprising youth should go from door to door on Christmas morning peddling batteries.