Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

My parents passed away when I was a teenager, so I had to learn different survival techniques, I think, in comedy. You know, using comedy as a pressure release, as a release valve in life really kept my sanity.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?