Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.