As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.

I was trained as an actress. But I wasn't a very convincing actress, so I started doing punk poetry and then fell into doing stand-up.

What has happened to the good old-fashioned travel agent? I want to go to a really posh travel agent and have them organize everything for me. I don't want to do things on the Internet.

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

I've got this horrible feeling that I'm one of those people who'll always have to flog their guts out to get anywhere.

I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face

I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager.