You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.

You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself.

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

Your whole life people tell you to do what you love. But if you gotta do something else to pay the bills, you don't automatically have to be miserable.