We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.

You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!

Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.