If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

Does anyone really imagine for a moment that my wife gives two stuffs about global warming? She certainly did not appear to be all that bothered on Thursday evening when, during the great carbon-saving switch-off, I ran round the house furiously turning on every light, hair dryer, dishwasher and toaster.

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.