You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

It was as relaxing as being tickled.

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he’s called the Stig.