Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

.. international hand of freindship. A cigarette

I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*t

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!

You're a car, but most of all, what you are, what you've become, is a mate. And that's what makes a car special. That's what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.