The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.

If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

Ecologically speaking, a spilt tanker load is like sticking a safety pin into an elephant's foot. The planet barely notices. After the Exxon Valdez accident in Alaska the oil company spent billions tidying up the coastline, but it was a waste of money because the waves were cleaning up faster than Exxon could. Environmentalists can never accept the planet's ability to self-heal.

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth