If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.'

Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'