The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.