You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.
Jeremy HardyThe only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.
Jeremy HardyMarriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
Jeremy HardyAll socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.
Jeremy Hardy