The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

All socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.