Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.