The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

All socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!