All socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.