Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.