I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.