That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.