Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.