I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Festivus for the Restivus!

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.