I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.