If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?