The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.